Difficult people don’t ever go away!
This week, we are talking about difficult people and the conflict that brings in a business.
Have you ever had that problem where there is someone at work, who drives you insane?
They don’t listen, they don’t do what you want them to do or they just argue over everything?
Or maybe you feel like they just ignore everything that you have said and go ahead and do their own thing?
Or do they just moan about everything?
And maybe you have secretly hoped the issue would just go away and you wouldn’t have to deal with it.
You hoped that they would stop, leave or just be nicer, or better, or just do what you asked?
I get it.
It would be easier if they did that.
But they don’t.
And the thing is if you don’t deal with it, you will suffer even more.
If you put your head in the sand because it is in the “too difficult” box then you are guaranteed to have more pain, more conflict and worse results than ever before.
Because it doesn’t go away.
Well, it never ever does, in my experience, go away on its own.
It develops a life of its own, grows legs, gets old and hairy and becomes a monster.
And it makes you look bad too…
I remember mediating between two people who hadn’t spoken for 4 years but sat next to each other each day.
Everyone danced around the issue, gave them separate breaks so they didn’t have to see each other in the staff room, facilitated communication where they needed to by being a go-between, and generally did not deal with the awkwardness of the situation.
And no manager did ANYTHING about it.
They worked around it so they facilitated the mess rather than being strong and getting to the heart of what was going on.
And this cost big!!!!
Sickness, lack of productivity, negative vibes, team awkwardness, reputational issues, fewer opportunities and more.
And then they needed me to come in and sort it all out. ☹
So we need to talk about this issue.
We will look at 4 things:
- Why we avoid conflict
- What happens when we don’t deal with it
- Where it comes from
- And of course, what we can do about it
Why we avoid conflict
In my years of teaching people how to deal with conflict and difficult people, I have seen that most people don’t know how to deal with the situation and therefore do nothing in case they make it worse.
They fear the fallout from starting the conversation in the first place, from saying the wrong thing, from offending or being offended. It’s in the too-difficult box.
They often don’t want to admit they may be partially (or wholly) at fault and therefore might have to apologise.
So, when we learn the techniques to deal with these awkward situations then we are more confident and know that if we dig into it, we can find the real reason behind the behaviours of people, and we can make things better.
And if it is our fault, once we put our big girl (or boy) pants on, and recognise that fact, then we know it is the right thing to do, to get past our ego.
What happens if we don’t deal with it
If we leave it alone and hope that it will go away, then what we have found is that it rarely, if ever, goes away on its own.
The reason is that the issue at the bottom of it all is probably still there.
The miscommunication gets worse, and the passive-aggressive behaviours are there to offend and create a vicious circle and a pattern of behaviour that means it is only getting worse.
No one’s needs are met.
Everyone feels a sense of loss and that means our emotions start to rule what we say and do. Regardless of whether that is anger, sadness, frustration, or confusion, it just makes life very difficult, and work even harder.
And that costs money!
Big money.
Sickness, low productivity (not focused on work), and high staff turnover mean that our profits are hit in a big way if people are not happy. So it really isn’t something you can let fester, and hope it will disappear.
Where does conflict come from
When we work with “difficult” people and we don’t deal with them, it will end in conflict. Upset, misery and barely any work being done.
That conflict starts because of a difference of opinion, a misunderstanding in communication or behaviour that makes us feel bad.
We feel bad because of a sense of loss.
It doesn’t have to be a big loss.
But it could be.
But that loss is what we call an unmet need.
And if that need is unmet, we can feel very hard done by, and angry or upset. That unmet need creates an emotional response, and it is probably a negative one towards the other person. And that in turn creates an unmet need with the other person.
And so the cycle begins.
An unmet need might be the need to be respected or listened to. It could be to be treated fairly or given opportunities for example. It could be a need to have our ego stroked (to feel significant) or to be able to contribute or belong.
And so when we are not respected or listened to etc, we are going to respond emotionally, especially if that is a need that we feel strongly about.
What can we do about it?
In order to deal with the difficult people and remove conflict, it is important to make conflict your friend! Indeed, we have training for individuals and teams that gives you the tools and confidence to do exactly that.
As mentioned, all those unmet needs are flying around like a virus and if we can start to understand them then we can work on them and realise that they are solvable (for free) if you just deal with it for what it is.
When you take the time to listen, understand and act upon these needs with genuine, empathy and interest, then you will be able to remove the conflict, and the difficult-ness out of people.
You will create an empathetic team that focuses on getting the job done, rather than back-biting or one-upmanship.
We have to stop ignoring the elephant in the room and name it and then get to the bottom of what caused it.
We then need to acknowledge it and start to understand what the parties need. It won’t be things or money. It will be respect, and to be listened to and other human needs.
And if we can move past our egos (on both sides) then we can work into a more collaborative and communicative team who gets each other and works with each other, not against.
And your teams will grow strong, and the business will too.
I did a short live training on this on Thursday which you can catch here.
And if you would like some help in dealing with those difficult people in your business, or you want to be proactive and get your team skilled up, then message me and let’s see how we can help.
Julie.
Julie "Chief Impact Engineer" Hutchison
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